By Catherine Morris
After being apart for a day, re-engaging with your partner can be a challenge. Whether you've been in back to back meetings at the office or you've been home all day managing a cranky child, this time of re-engagement often causes a great deal of conflict that can linger and undermine a relationship if not successfully dealt with.
After a hard day, we are often tired, hungry, stressed out, preoccupied, and desperately needing to unwind. However, kids need to be driven to soccer practice, dinner still needs to be prepared, and homework must be done. And just when you think you've got all your ducks lined up in a row, you get a text message that has to be handled immediately.
The truth is, all day long, you have been required to meet other people's needs. By the end of the day, it's only natural to want a little quiet time for yourself. So, what do you do with your spouse who wants your attention?
How couples choose to re-engage with one another at the end of the day varies, but typically both partners will hold an expectation of how the other should behave. Studies show that, in general, women tend to manage stress by talking things through with their partners. Men, on the other hand, tend to prefer to deal with worries or anxiety on their own. So, perhaps you will want to download the events of the day and be listened to while your partner prefers to withdraw to a cave, TV remote in hand.
How the two of you, as a couple, navigate these needs at the end of your day can determine how secure you feel in your marriage. According to the research, relationship satisfaction declines when one partner talks about a stressful event and the other partner does not listen or is not supportive. That couple is even more likely to argue the next day. On the other hand, relationship satisfaction remains steady when a partner listens and is supportive. It naturally follows that there will be less arguing in that kind of a relationship.
Studies also show that when good events are shared with one's partner, it makes us happier - regardless of how that partner reacts. However, if your partner reacts favorably, there will be less chance of arguing, and you will tend to want to share more positive things and less negative things in the future.
To build a healthy relationship, here are 7 tips to help you re-engage with your spouse at the end of the day:
1. Work together to develop meaningful rituals to use when you come together at the end of the day. For example, you can take 15 minutes apart to decompress and then greet each other. Or go for a walk together to discuss the day's events.
2. Before you leave work, make a to-do list of the things that you need to do the next day. Making a list will free your mind so you can be more present when you arrive home.
3. When you're driving home, listen to soothing music, rather than talking on your cell phone about work issues.
4. Greet your partner when you come together. A simple hello and a hug are quite reassuring and will set the tone for the evening.
5. Divide up the evening's chores. The burden of the evening should not fall on one partner alone. Perhaps one of you cooks while the other loads the dishwasher. Later on, one of you can tackle the children's homework, while the other retrieves the Legos from under the couch cushions.
6. If you've been home all day, take a few minutes to decompress (yes, the children can entertain themselves for a few minutes while you put your feet up) before you start your evening chores.
7. Share your day with your partner in the evening after you have decompressed. Decompressing will lessen your stress and allows for more constructive sharing.
Being proactive can make all the difference in how your evening proceeds with your partner. Remember that what you do is not as important as the fact that you are working together as a team. Taking the time to help each other deal with the stresses of the day and working together to manage the chores of the evening can go a long way in creating a happy and healthy relationship.
If you would like help learning to re-engage with your partner, please contact me for a FREE phone consultation. We can then decide how I may be able to help you as a marriage therapist.
READ MORE - Increase Your Relationship Satisfaction: 7 Tips to Re-Engage With Your Spouse at the End of the Day
After being apart for a day, re-engaging with your partner can be a challenge. Whether you've been in back to back meetings at the office or you've been home all day managing a cranky child, this time of re-engagement often causes a great deal of conflict that can linger and undermine a relationship if not successfully dealt with.
After a hard day, we are often tired, hungry, stressed out, preoccupied, and desperately needing to unwind. However, kids need to be driven to soccer practice, dinner still needs to be prepared, and homework must be done. And just when you think you've got all your ducks lined up in a row, you get a text message that has to be handled immediately.
The truth is, all day long, you have been required to meet other people's needs. By the end of the day, it's only natural to want a little quiet time for yourself. So, what do you do with your spouse who wants your attention?
How couples choose to re-engage with one another at the end of the day varies, but typically both partners will hold an expectation of how the other should behave. Studies show that, in general, women tend to manage stress by talking things through with their partners. Men, on the other hand, tend to prefer to deal with worries or anxiety on their own. So, perhaps you will want to download the events of the day and be listened to while your partner prefers to withdraw to a cave, TV remote in hand.
How the two of you, as a couple, navigate these needs at the end of your day can determine how secure you feel in your marriage. According to the research, relationship satisfaction declines when one partner talks about a stressful event and the other partner does not listen or is not supportive. That couple is even more likely to argue the next day. On the other hand, relationship satisfaction remains steady when a partner listens and is supportive. It naturally follows that there will be less arguing in that kind of a relationship.
Studies also show that when good events are shared with one's partner, it makes us happier - regardless of how that partner reacts. However, if your partner reacts favorably, there will be less chance of arguing, and you will tend to want to share more positive things and less negative things in the future.
To build a healthy relationship, here are 7 tips to help you re-engage with your spouse at the end of the day:
1. Work together to develop meaningful rituals to use when you come together at the end of the day. For example, you can take 15 minutes apart to decompress and then greet each other. Or go for a walk together to discuss the day's events.
2. Before you leave work, make a to-do list of the things that you need to do the next day. Making a list will free your mind so you can be more present when you arrive home.
3. When you're driving home, listen to soothing music, rather than talking on your cell phone about work issues.
4. Greet your partner when you come together. A simple hello and a hug are quite reassuring and will set the tone for the evening.
5. Divide up the evening's chores. The burden of the evening should not fall on one partner alone. Perhaps one of you cooks while the other loads the dishwasher. Later on, one of you can tackle the children's homework, while the other retrieves the Legos from under the couch cushions.
6. If you've been home all day, take a few minutes to decompress (yes, the children can entertain themselves for a few minutes while you put your feet up) before you start your evening chores.
7. Share your day with your partner in the evening after you have decompressed. Decompressing will lessen your stress and allows for more constructive sharing.
Being proactive can make all the difference in how your evening proceeds with your partner. Remember that what you do is not as important as the fact that you are working together as a team. Taking the time to help each other deal with the stresses of the day and working together to manage the chores of the evening can go a long way in creating a happy and healthy relationship.
If you would like help learning to re-engage with your partner, please contact me for a FREE phone consultation. We can then decide how I may be able to help you as a marriage therapist.